im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
