My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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