My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
