Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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