We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
