i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
