If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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