I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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