its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
