Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
