everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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