This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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