the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
