can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
