I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
