I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
