Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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