In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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