turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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