I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
