i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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