I got chris browned last night
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
