his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
