What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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