I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Randomize
