I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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