the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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