happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
