my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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