Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
