You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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