I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
