your parents love me but you hate me
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
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