my mouth tastes like poor choices
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
