Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
