It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
