I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I have feelings that need drinking.
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