Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
