I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
