So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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