Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
