thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
