I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Randomize
