wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
