I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
