You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
