had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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