im about as happy as oj after his trial
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
