So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
