I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Alive.
So much puke
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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