I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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